My instructors Arin Adjamian and Irakli Mgeli at Gracie Barra Hollywood.
You can’t be in Hollywood for long before you start meeting people & hearing stories. “I went to school for the arts, I just graduated & moved here.” “I’ve been training in acting since I was six years old, I know I can make it.” Every time I hear this it’s like someone scheduled a jousting tournament with my heart. My story isn’t anything like theirs. I didn’t follow my dream from the age of six; I had already given it up by 16. No one was giving me blue ribbons in my vocal competitions. No one was begging me to sing at their event. No one cast me in their musical because I had the voice to carry the show. Therefore it was only logical- only realistic- that I face the truth…& give it up.
So I traded my dream for a bag of reasonable-lies & half-desired wishes.
I was so blinded by the lie I had wholly consumed- “You are not talented enough to be a singer”- that music wasn’t even on my radar for 12 whole years. Then last year God showed me He still believes in me & is offering me my dream- ready to discover. But if I’ve learned anything as I’ve started out on this exciting but perilous journey, it’s that most of the battle is in my own mind. There are 12 years of wrong mindsets to erase & rewrite if I’m going to have the strength to overcome each day’s new obstacles. Mindsets of Settling. Fear. Doubt. Insecurity. Jealousy. Defeat.
Enter Jiu Jitsu.
An obvious supplement to a singing career right? Haha. There are many reasons I decided to take Jiu Jitsu:
- Martial arts is something I’ve always wanted to do. (Maybe cuz I grew up with brothers?)
- I liked that Jiu Jitsu is more about strategy than strength; more about defense than violence.
- I needed to start exercising again, but I don’t like pointless exercise. I wanted to learn something useful at the same time.
- I intend to play a role in the fight against Human Trafficking & in that fight I don’t want to risk becoming a victim myself.
- And most of all rush hour traffic was just draining. I wanted something I could do right after work to skip traffic & at the same time get energized & motivated to spend a couple hours practicing piano & vocals when I got home.
At first I was thrilled to start something new! That sensation lasted for…a day. I’m sure anyone starting out in Jiu Jitsu will agree that the exhilaration is quickly replaced by: “Um…I feel like a fool.” For the first 30-40 minutes the instructor teaches you a couple moves. That sounds easy enough. Except that each move has 7-20 steps! (Okay maybe not 20…but it feels like 20 for how easily they get jumbled or forgotten in your brain.) Then you pair off & slowly repeat those moves over & over again with your partner.
Ok, cool. I love the the first 30 minutes of class! You learn something, then you practice it. No pressure. It’s the last 15min of class that I dread. Suddenly you are on the mat with someone & you are supposed to…do something awesome & win. The problem is, as soon as you are staring them in the eyes & say go, every step of every move you just learned takes the night off, leaving you helpless. And even if you can remember one of the moves you learned, it’s not the one you need for the knot you now find yourself twisted in. Also, as a newbie, the other students are fighting you while simultaneously instructing you on what you are doing wrong. It’s weird the mixture of gratefulness & embarrassment that hits you at that moment. Eh? Anyone relate? Just me?
It’s that last 15min that growls in my head like a monster every night, telling me to just skip it. Yet training at Gracie Barra Hollywood has shown me that the same lies I fight to show up on the mat every night are the same lies I must overcome to win my dreams.
In the real world of Hollywood the odds are staggering. Every day I hear the lies ”You can’t do this,” “You’re too old,” “You’re a girl,” “You can’t afford this,” “You aren’t talented enough,” “Everyone else has a head start, & they’re your competition.” There is no one there every night to instruct me on which moves to make to take my competitors down. There is no one there to give me notches on my “musical belt” to make me feel like I’m moving up. There is no one at home to greet me with a pat on the back & tell me if I just keep practicing I’ll have that contract, that manager, that tour. But if I can just keep going to Jiu Jitsu I can apply the same courage & perseverance to my art, & I can trust that the skill for my career is growing just like my skill on the mat. Just like Jiu Jitsu if I keep working at it, one day it wont be 7-20 steps, it’ll be an unconscious fluid motion. A reflex. A seamless part of who I am.
I know that in both worlds if it’s a night I’ve scheduled to put in the work, I can’t afford to have the attitude “I deserve a night off,” but rather “I deserve to win.” And unlike this culture I can’t afford to sit back and hope “winning” comes like a lottery ticket or reality show. The reality is: you get what you work for. And in those moments when I get overwhelmed, & the finish line still seems like five grueling mountain peaks away, I remind myself that right now the victory isn’t in the results…the victory is in showing up.
Somehow I know that if I can’t show up for Jiu Jitsu, I won’t show up for my dream. And I refuse to let that be the end to my story.
