This weekend I have my very first Jiu Jistu competition. Nerves have set in, but there is something a little more than nerves trying to squeeze through. Some of you know my story. If you don’t, here’s a quick recap:
Anxiety & panic attacks that lived in my chest like the clawing fear after a nightmare….for 2 years.
It’s hard to explain how horrific it was, but if you just take a second to imagine the last time you had that nightmarish feeling, you might get it. And if you imagine having no control over it…no ability to turn it on or off for 2 years…you might get it more.
Needless to say I’ve had more of a taste of fear in my life than I ever wanted. I’m suddenly reminded of that scene in Matilda where the fat kid is forced to eat that whole chocolate cake. He loved cake and would steal pieces of it whenever he could. But when he was forced to eat so much that it was nearly coming out of his eye sockets, that love turned into torture. I never “loved” fear, but I did get a little high from watching horror movies and stuff. Because it was a manageable fear. I knew that when I watched the movie I’d feel it a little, but when the movie was over the fear would end. But when fear is shoved down your throat non-stop for two straight years…you lose any taste you ever had for it.
That being said, fear is one of my worst enemies now. I can’t handle it. I have absolutely no tolerance for it. I refuse to respond to it. I still have moments where it slips in before I realize it, but as soon as I recognize it’s face I’m running it out with a machete.
I believe we have two types of fears. Fears of things we just don’t like. And fears of the risk involved with our deepest desires. Some people think that you need to face your fears. I only agree with that to a point. If you have one overlying fear that’s always bothered you, sure, take it down. But I don’t think you need to spend your whole life chasing down all the little fears of things you don’t like unless it’s genuinely hindering you in life. The fears you should battle head on are the ones that are tied to your dreams.
For instance. There is a certain creature I can’t stand. I don’t want to write it on here because I don’t want someone to use it against me. Lets say it’s a…spider. Yeah. I don’t think it will really impact my life one way or the other for me to overcome my fear of “spiders.” I just don’t like them, but I rarely encounter them and it doesn’t really hinder me in my life goals. I also have a fear or distaste of falling a long distance. I love heights. I just hate falling. I finally realized this when I jumped off a 60 foot cliff. Doing that didn’t help me overcome my fear, it helped me identify it! And now I am finally OK with saying I never freakin want to feel that feeling ever again! But that’s ok because I don’t plan on starting a spider farm or becoming a professional sky diver.
What is NOT ok is succumbing to the fears that are attached to my deepest desires or the things God is calling me to do in my life.
I love to sing and perform. More than anything. Because I love it so much all the strings of my heart are attached to this love and therefore it’s terrifying to think of stretching those strings to the max- baring them before everyone- only to have people cut them one by one with their disapproval, disregard, criticism and opinions. But the thing is…if I don’t face that fear and take the risk of stretching out those heart strings, they may say safe and unbreakable in that limp and lifeless state…but I will never hear the music that was meant to be played on them. And more importantly, neither will the people that my music (literal and figurative) was meant to reach and restore. The truth is there will be times when people slice through those strings and they snap back against the tender flesh of my heart. But my God specializes in replacing heart-strings…so really I have nothing to lose.
This weekend I have my very first Jiu Jistu competition. And once again I’ve spotted fear loitering along my perimeter. But it’s only there because martial arts is now a deep desire of mine. This isn’t a meaningless spider…this is something I care about. So this fear must be faced and conquered. I caught myself telling people “I’m so nervous.” No more. You will now hear “I’m excited!” There may be nerves involved, but there is no room for fear. I choose to base my nerves on excitement not fear.
I’m excited to test my skill.
I’m excited to compete in something I love.
I’m excited to learn if I fail, and learn if I win.
I’m excited to trust God to show up in the midst of something that is so important to me.
I’m freakin excited.
What’s the worst that could happen? I could get submitted in 3 seconds. Yeah that would suck. “I’d be an embarrassment to my team! My coaches! Myself! Ouch! My ego!” Welp…I bet my coach would be a lot more bummed if I never tested the training he has invested in me. I value the time he’s taken and what he’s taught me, and I’m gonna prove it!
I think back to those endless days when I couldn’t feel the sun on my skin without a boiling torment in my chest. When every hollow laugh was laced with splinters and every mustered smile was unraveling before it began. This month marks 5 years of freedom from that deluge of fear. 5 years in which my God has healed and rebuilt me into something a thousand times better than what I even was before the darkness. Anything inside me that was destroyed in that nightmare has been replaced with something better than I could have ever imagined or built on my own. 5 years- not painless- but abundant and free!
And I’m going to celebrate it by staring fear in the face and laughing at him as I enter this competition. In the end, I’m more “afraid” being addicted to comfort than I am of failing. Yeah it may hurt my ego and maybe even my body. But you know what? I can tolerate pain. What I will not tolerate…is fear.
